DRAFT GRADES (Everyone gets at least a C+ … it’s 2024, and our kids have tender hearts)

PHINNEY LANDSHARKS – Welp, Kraft had a helluva draft! Carroll, Devers, Semien … that’s a formidable nucleus on the batting side. Yes, his shortstop is injured and out for a while, but look at that pitching staff: Gausman, Fried, Gilbert, Bibee, Eovaldi, plus three bona fide closers. He might have the best staff in the league. Dare we say contender? GRADE: A-

CANNONBALL COMMIN’ – Goodness, the defending champs hit another home run. He’s got legitimate stat compilers at every position on offense, and two lights-out closers in Hader AND Edwin Diaz! His rotation is full of question marks, however. Can Carlos Rodon get his bleep together? GRADE: A-

REHAB – This club is an annual title contender, and this year should be no different. There’s tremendous balance top to bottom, with Freeman and Riley at the infield corners, and Castillo and Framber Valdez fronting a quality staff. He got great value with guys like Gleyber Torres and Christian Yelich, and didn’t have to overpay for two excellent closers. GRADE: A-

FROG HOLLER KNEE SOCKS – Weird name, no? Strider, Skubal, Yordan, and Michael Harris are the headliners, plus the top-rated catcher and an elite prospect (Chourio) shagging fly balls. There’s lots of upside with guys like O’Neil Cruz, Ryan Pepiot, and Michael King. Interesting. GRADE: B+

LFP NONSTORIES – This club has the makings of a suburban juggernaut, with probably the best infield in the league – Walker, Albies, Machado, Witt, plus Lindor as his utility man – and his outfield is solid as well. He has a few scrub pitches, but also a couple of high-upside dice rolls. Look out! GRADE: B+

BELLTOWN IRREGULARS – Sure wish I had a catcher and a third baseman! But there’s some punch with Tatis, Ohtani, Bichette, and Nolan Jones, and a deep stable of eight starting pitches led by Kirby, Eflin, Sale, and Bassitt. I’ll need some good fortune with injured arms Jhoan Duran, Eury Perez, and Kyle Bradish to seriously threaten. GRADE: B

SCRUBS – A last-minute obligation forced the Scrub to hit the autodraft button, which left him with a better team than the one he would have drafted. He did get hosed by the machine, though, with only seven pitchers, two of whom have injury concerns. But Harper, Altuve, Bregman, Abrams, Tucker, Arozarena, Bellinger … Wow! GRADE: B

JERK STORE – Acuna was a no-brainer, even for the Jerk, and his pitching staff has enormous strikeout potential with Wheeler, Snell, and Freddy Peralta. If helium guys Royce Lewis and Wyatt Langford pop, his offense will be highly competitive. There’s some injury history with this group, though. This one could go either way. GRADE: B

10 INCHES IS GOOD – He consummated his man crush on Juan Soto and assembled a scary looking pitching staff led by Burnes, Yamamoto, Iglesias, and – if the seamheads are correct about his star potential – Grayson Rodriguez. He locked down saves, too, beginning the season with four closers. GRADE: B-

THE SAND CAN – He’s going to crush the stolen base category – his players combined for 211 thefts in 2023. With Vlad, Mookie, Luis Robert, and Goldschmidt, there’s enough offense to play with the big boys like Cannonball, and Bryson Stott (.280-78-15-62-31 last year) was a clever value play. His pitching staff is intriguing but undermanned. GRADE: B-

THE NOT SO AMAZINS – The other Spratt brother loaded up on offense with Olson, Trea Turner, and the dynamic Elly De La Cruz, but that left him quite short on the pitching side with only seven arms, one of which is barely attached to Gerrit Cole’s torso. Only the great Mets manager Yogi Berra could explain why he drafted two catchers and three first basemen instead of more chuckers. GRADE: C+

BEACHTOWN BRUISERS – Judge and Jose Ramirez top a promising lineup, and Pablo Lopez and Zac Gallen are a nice 1-2 atop the rotation. But the Shah of Ocean Shores will need a lot of things to break right to challenge for the first division. GRADE: C+