IBL WEEK 1 ROUNDUP
Welcome to the IWR, where I look at the best and the worst of the week and make fun of your teams and curse a lot like a 6th grader. Eventually I burn out and stop writing these around the All-Star break so enjoying them while they last.
PEPTO BISMOL AWARD (Most Runs)
MR ZUCCHINIHEAD (37) - Brandon Phillips and Alex Gordon led the way with 6 runs each.
SHIRTLESS JOSE CANSECO (Most Home Runs)
OLD STYLE, MIND RAPE, BORT NAME TAGS (13) - Three teams with 13 homers each. Somewhere, somehow I'm sure Chris Davis was involved. Also Justin Upton can eat a dick.
DIRTY HGH SYRINGE (Most RBI)
HOPEMONGERS (45) - Todd Frazier can die of AIDS.
VINCE COLEMAN AWARD (Most SB)
MR. 4000 (8) - Ken's incentive program of a bag and a half of fish sticks for every stolen base is working. Andrew McCutchen fucking loves fish sticks.
DUSTY BAKER BASECLOGGER (Best OBP)
YOU DOWN WITH OBP? (.377) - You sir, in fact ARE down with OBP.
COCKSUCKER AWARD (Most Wins)
CHUNKS CHARGERS & MADRES (6) - Wins. These guys had the most.
JOHN ROCKER AWARD (Most Saves, Racist)
TOWER GROVE TITANS, FAREWELL MONA LISA, ARTIFICIAL TURF (5) - John Axford was not involved with any of this.
DOC GOODEN'S 8-BALL (Most Strikeouts)
MR ZUCCHINIHEAD (61) - Brett Anderson struck out 16. He's probably due for a DL stint now.
DAVE DRAVECKY'S STUMP (Best ERA)
MADRES (1.82) - It'd be even better if it weren't for that James Shields cocksucker and his 3.75 ERA.
SID FERNANDEZ'S FAT ASS (Best WHIP)
BORT NAME TAGS (0.64) - Most impressive given that you had Roy Halladay get blown up.
EX-LAX AWARD (Fewest Runs)
TULOWITZKI 2 QUITZKI (13) - This team is terrible
SHIRTLESS LARRY BOWA (Fewest HR)
TULOWITZKI 2 QUITZKI (2) - Two home runs for the week. If only Tyler Colvin played.
JOHN STAMOS AWARD (Fewest RBI)
TULOWITZKI 2 QUITZKI (9) - 9 may be the worst I've ever seen in my years running a 20 team league.
CECIL FIELDER AWARD (Fewest SB)
MIND RAPE (0) - Instead of stealing bases, Coco Crisp decided to hit home runs instead.
DOUG FLYNN AWARD (Worst OBP)
ROD AND THE B SIDES (.249) - Continuing to roster Chris Carter and Luis Cruz all but ensures a repeat winner here.
HALL OF FAME SUGAR AIDS (Fewest Wins)
TULOWITZKI 2 QUITZKI, RIZZ IN MY PANTS, FAREWELL MONA LISA (0) - Guys there might be some pitchers that can win on the free agent wire.
NATE CORNEJO AWARD (Fewest Strikeouts)
TULOWITZKI 2 QUITZKI (30) - Here's the thing about strikeouts
ZOMBIE JIMMY HAYNES (Worst ERA)
FAREWELL MONA LISA (6.71) - Here's your problem. Carlos Marmol was set to "EVIL".
RUBEN QUEVEDO'S FAT ASS (Worst WHIP)
GOLDEN JACKALOPES (1.67) - What's amazing is Brad Peacock actually helped his WHIP.
That's all for now. Good luck in Week 2.
ROCKIES IN 6!
Apr 8 9:38 AM